The Rumors Are True Meme Template

Wearing a green sweatshirt and a navy cap printed "I was sober for 11 years then I turned 12" a man talks straight to his phone with a calm, almost formal face.

"Yes, the rumors are true," he announces, then promises to drink an enormous amount tonight, just like last night, make bad decisions, and finish by eating something awful.

The press-statement delivery is what sells it: confirm any harmless vice like it's breaking news.

• confirming I will be ordering takeaway for the fourth night running